Bike Fetishists

I suppose I'm guilty of it myself, but I like to think that my affliction is not as severe as it could be. Although I obsess endlessly about my bikes, I'm not Felix Unger about it. My beautiful Rambouillet has a big black ugly seatpost rack on it (because it only cost $25) and a Nashbar rack trunk (about $20) instead of a more appropriate Nitto rack ($100) and Carradice seat bag ($140). After all, I just want to ride the bike and carry stuff. The seat post rack is really ugly, but I figure it's really functional, since it keeps the load's center of gravity close to the middle of the bike. (I never carry a very heavy load, so questions of whippiness and bounciness don't really apply. As far as I can tell, it doesn't whip and it doesn't bounce.)

I care what the bike looks like, sure. I think the blue Rambouillet is the most beautiful of Rivendell's bikes (other than the red Glorius). I would have had trouble buying the green Rambouillet. OK. I admit it. And don't ask what I think of the butterscotch Saluki. Ick.

But really, although I care what the bike looks like, I don't care so much that I'm willing to put hundreds of dollars into racks and bags and handlebar tape and hammered aluminum fenders that are no more functional than gear that costs a tiny fraction of the fancy stuff.

Go to any bike forum, in which pictures are posted (and why should such a thing even exist? Pictures of bikes?) and read the comments. "Well, it's nice enough, I guess, but I would have gone with the brushed aluminum brakes." Excuse me? The color of the brakes makes a difference? Isn't this a thing to be ridden, not put on display?

I guess it's the equivalent of fussing over cars, going to the A and W, popping the hood, and comparing notes with your friends.

It seems like most of the fetishists are men. What's the matter with us? Is it because we don't have 100 pairs of shoes and dozens of purses? We need something else to throw our money at? And do these guys who seem to spend endless hours looking at and commenting on other people's bikes actually ride the things? I suppose they must. But still, you have to wonder whether someone who cares so much about his authentic $150 French-style handlebar bag would be willing to get it all dusty and faded by the sun by actually riding on a real road in the real outdoors. And all that gunk on the hubs, sprockets, and chain that riding creates!

I mostly resist the fetishistic urges, but it isn't easy. If I didn't have to answer to my wife, I would have joined in the fetish spending. Carradice! Nitto! Brooks! Phil Wood! Instead, I buy little things that I don't need, here and there. A set of Falcon shifters ($1 at Nashbar). A saddle on eBay ($10). Maybe an occasional Nitto stem ($40).

But really, we're all pathetic.